Unspoken

If only you know how hard it is to wear a smile
If only you know how that I have already waited for awhile
If only you know how hard it is to push you away
If only you know that what I want is for you to stay.

If only you know how I cherish every word you say
If only you know how I dreamt to be with you in each single day
If only you know that I missed you so much
If only you know how you make my heartbeat rush.

If only you know how you make me feel blue
If only you know how I was swept by you
If only you know how I want to share with you my fears
If only you know how I want you to be a part of my coming years.

If only you know how I want to hear your stories
If only you know how I want be a part of your good memories
If only you know how I don't want to see you sad
If only you know how hard it is to be inside this facade.

If only you know how it hurts right now
If only you know that I hope this feeling could reach you somehow
If only you know how I kept this thing that shall never be named
If only you know how I was never been swayed.

If only you know how I want to look at your eyes
If only you know that I want to be the reason of your smiles
If only you know how it torments me inside
If only you know how I want to be by your side.

If only you know how I want to wipe away your tears
If only you know how I want to remove your worries and fears
If only you know that it feels like sunshine with a strong rain
If only you know that I was also in pain.

If only you know how sorry I am for this thing may never be heard
If only you know how sad it is not to utter those words
If only you know how sorry I am if I hurt you at times
If only you know how tragic it feels when you thought feelings may never rhyme.

Reminiscence

Have you ever missed the time when you first dared to dream? Those times when the scariest and saddest thing was when your mom leaves you in nursery school and then you start to think that she might not come back and yet at the end of the day, you will be delighted to see her smiling face, patiently waiting for your class dismissal, patiently waiting for you. Those times when you were so afraid to take the plunge not knowing what the future may hold, or to expose yourself to a bigger and newer world.

Those times when the reason of your tears were the teasing of your friends, when even a single coin or toy could mean happiness to you, when the word difficult could be synonymous to the assignments your teacher have given you. Those times when you pretend to be a grown up, thinking that everything that the world might offer are purely happiness.

Have you reminisced the times when the only person you cannot live without were your family? When your greatest pain were caused by the bruises you got after the seemingly restless playing with your friends, times when some of the biggest lies you have ever told were “I won’t eat candies anymore” to give your parents some sort of assurance or telling your parents “I have already understood what you have taught me” each time they will teach you lessons after school, so you can already go out and play with your friends.

Have you remembered those times when the insecurity you have was brought by your incomplete teeth, and then you were so afraid to smile because your classmates might see it. Times when the only strategy you were thinking was mainly about how your loose deciduous tooth would be drawn from your gum, and when playing hide and seek and other outdoor games and the not-so-pro ghost hunting were the most extreme thing you have ever done.

Have you recalled those times when you were so curious about almost everything, times when you have a lot of questions that even your mother cannot answer some of those, because you were too young to know everything. Times when even the sound of the rain or the school bell would make you extremely happy, and times when you were so naïve about the world.

Have you ever smiled while remembering those times when the debate you were engaging with was about who among the protagonist of your favorite cartoon is the the most awesome or whose parents is the most beautiful or the kindest? Times when the thing that causes your excitement was whenever you will learn that your parents will treat you to your favorite fast food and amusement park on the coming weekend. Those times when you think that the ‘time’ itself moves so slow because you were exhausted with your ‘tutorial’ lessons with your mom after class, when the things that scare you were the ghost stories of your friends, or the thought that you will be eaten by a ghost when you fail to take an afternoon nap or siesta because that was what the elderly used to trick you back then.

Have you thought of those times when the only parts of the year you look forward were Christmas and your birthday? Times when the only thing that causes your ‘heart break’ was when your mom fails to give you something that you like because of practicality reasons, or  times when you were so contented even if you just have sweets and any other types of food with you. Times when the thing that amazes you were your grandfather’s magic tricks and those new models or types of toys you cannot wait to buy.

Times when the only hand you want to touch were those belonging to your parents or times when you cannot even let go of your mom’s hand, especially when you were out or at the mall, afraid that you might get lost and might not be able to reunite with your family again and times when you burst into laughter just because of simple things.

As you look back, you might miss a lot of things you used to do, those times when you care less about many complicated things and care more about those simple ephemeral pleasures the world has been offering. As you grow old, you also start to have that new perception about the world, you come to realize that even those little memories are precious. You might wonder why some of those things have become different right now, but the child in you still lives and will continue to live deep down no matter what and as you continue to look back, you will be smiling to see that old you, to see how you have metamorphosized from a simple egg to a wonderful butterfly.

Reaching you

In each others' arms, we have found haven.
Years of sacrifice and we are still here, standing still, as if  we are indestructible.
There were ups and downs, yet the faith is still alive.
All these because through thick and thin, we are on each others' side.
It may still be a mystery how our paths have been tangled,
yet even if given the chance to change reality, I would still choose to be with that same good friend.
Who had been my family for years, the one who accepted me without buts nor whys.
Who keeps on strengthening me to conquer my fears when some of which are still unconquered.
The one who does not even know how life becomes lighter when I am at her side.
Moments with no worries, even though problems continue to arrive.
Just without pretensions, nor words to express, 'cause with you, I can go beyond my comfort zones.
Knowing that whatever happens, you will still accept me with both arms opened,
either as friend or as sister until the very end.
Uncertain where the future will take us, wishing we are still together during those times.
I am somehow scared knowing that I might face the future alone, without you by my side,
but I believe that there will be no goodbyes, nor distance too far
There will be no separations nor drifting apart, 'cause we are bound by this unfathomable thing in our hearts.
There will be no sadness, 'cause we have those happy moments within our deepest memories.
There will be no chaos for knowing that you will be there no matter what, everything seems to turn so clear.
There will be no spaces nor gaps because you are always near, within this pumping thing.
Different paths we may decide to cross,
Different people we may come across.
There may be times, when we will seem so lost,
Remember that you can always have this space in my arms, your haven.
We may no longer be the first to hear each other's secrets,
We may not be able to share those same old sentiments,
We may no longer be the first for each other to rely on,
or we may barely see each other,
Remember that you still got this one friend, willing to hear all your dramas though she does not know how to express.
Sorry for all the shortcomings.
For the things I have said or done which might have hurt your feelings,
For the times I was not there when you needed me most,
For the times I have let you down,
I know, this is not enough to express what I truly feel,
but this is my way of letting you know the things that I have never thought I would say.
We were too happy to have not noticed how the years have passed.
As much as I always want us to be together, we will still never know where our dreams will take us one day.
Even though we may never get to share the same laughter,
or the reasons of our smiles may become different from one another,
Be reminded that we are just under the same sky, looking above the same moon.
Connected by the friendship that bound us for years,
by the memories that together we have made, by the time which made us stronger than we were.

Before this ends,
I want to thank you for everything.
For the carefree moments when we seemed to have forgotten our sanity,
For the moments when we were just who we are,
For the moments when we are happy, just happy even without expressing how happy we were,
For accepting me the way I am; lost, plain and oftentimes forgetful,
For believing in me though I suck at doing many things,
For embracing the weird sides of me; those which I have chosen not to let everyone around see,
For listening to my secrets, my dramas; those things which I am shy of telling others besides you,
For being straightforward each time I make things complicated,
For being one of those who have made this part of my life filled with colors and meaning.

Thanks for being a part of this four-year roller coaster ride :)

Surface

Thoughts are like ocean; enigmatic and deep.

     There are things, called favors. Things that were sometimes done not because of the thought of genuinely helping, but those which were driven by the thought that after doing such things, you'll get the recognition sometimes you really are after, the "giving back" you are expecting. This person does not want to be a part of that conspiracy, this person wanted to be different, this person wanted to deviate. This person does not want to tolerate that wrongful volition, this person wanted to make things right even though he/she does not know how to start.

    Everyone that surrounds this person may think that the confidence this person has is just overflowing because of those so-called "achievements", or just way too much for this person to appear as that tough or conceited one. That is only what's on the surface but what other people don't see, is this person's fears, the tons of pains, insecurities and struggles, and the battle that this person has to conquer everyday on his/her own. Whatever this person tells them, they will always misunderstood. What ever intentions this person has, even if from the bottom of this person's heart, those intentions are for the good, they will misunderstood. Whatever this person does, this person is always wrong, as if nothing is perfect, nothing is right in this person's life and existence.

     They always misunderstood things because not even once, they ever wanted to listen. They never were listening. They never were listening to the things that were untold, but were already obviously revealed before their very eyes. They never were paying attention to the reality, to the truth that they were being manipulated by those who can speak, by those who had the power. Their minds were closed, not even letting this person utter the things at the back of his/her mind. They were too busy riding with the flow of this screwed society, of letting other people manipulate them and belittle their capacities, of letting those which has the power to decide their fate, of letting the self-righteous make them feel that without their help, they will be nothing and they will not be able to soar higher than they ever could, even if that is not the very truth of their existence, even if the truth is that they were successful not only because they fully believe on themselves and their potentials but because their faith on their dreams are much stronger than the strongest force which used to separate them from its realization. Or maybe they used to listen, to pay attention for some time, but chose to keep silent, to refuse from paying attention to the very truth, to refrain from revealing what is right believing that it is the exact thing they should do, and appallingly let other people place value to their existence and abilities.

     Even though things don't go the way this person wanted them to be, although this person is having a hard time winning his/her own battle, hopefully this person won't get tired, hopefully this person won't stop deviating, hopefully this person is strong enough. Even though in the eyes of other people, this person is wrong for believing that everything will make perfect sense if done and achieved in the right and truthful way, hopefully this person will not be dissuaded, hopefully this person will continue to do the thing that is right. Although this person is seldom understood, this person hopes that he/she can carry it on. For in a society where affluence, power and control are embodied by those who are at the "top", where to speak for the truth always appear to be a wrongful move, there is no worse crime than suffering and ignorance. There is no worse crime than not letting people believe they can go beyond their limits because the truth is they can, they really can.

From me to you

'Cause I am just nobody,

and you seem don't need somebody

I’m always longing for your presence,

while you are there, just fine without my existence.

You have been my admiration for so long now,

though I have no idea if you notice me somehow

Oh this feeling of mine,

which for so long, I have been trying to hide.

I don’t know when this thing started,

as this certain question leaves me bombarded

When will I finally reach you?

'cause I always wonder if I have been somehow special for you, too.

I can’t even fathom how you mean to me,

but please, say 143 or I’ll set you free

Unrequited is how my feelings have always been,

but it’s fine, as long as I'm still happy from what I'm feeling.

When I say I like you,
will I ever see a different side of you?
When I say I like you,
will you ever feel the same thing too?

Evanescence

      They look directly into your eyes without recognizing the agony that is inside. They listen to your words, to the laughter that you have but never did they see your suffering. They enjoy your company without realizing that it is your only escape from this painful reality. They observe your actions but are still oblivious of its true meaning. They see you physically, but refused to pay attention to the very detail of your soul, the thing that is solely important.

     They see you on the surface but never did they realize the things that start to vanish within you, slowly by slowly. Your genuine laughter, the spirit that used to lift up your lost soul. Your words that start to lose their meaning, your actions that cease to have its purpose. Your dreams, the paths you have paved which no longer have their directions. Your music, your soul, your colors which start to fade. Your existence and its essence which becomes unclear.

       If all has gone, then who are you? Are you still that same spirit whose dreams are written by that one magical hand? If all has gone, then why are you still here? Will your life be the same as it was before? If all has gone, then why do they still hear your laughter? Is it just you who believe that it has lost its meaning? If all has gone, then why do you still carry that strength that made you decipher your inner capacities? Is it just you who believe you are too weak to be victorious over those adversaries? If all has gone, then why do you still continue to breathe? Is it just your mind that made you believe you have already lose the faith you have for your dreams? Is it just your mind that made you believe you have long before surrendered?

      If the light was gone, then why do you still see how stars shine despite the vast darkness of the night? Is it just you who believe that every slice of delight of your existence was taken away? Is it just you who complicate life? If all is unclear, then why do you still continue to move despite the uncertainty? Is it just you who believe you can no longer take any risk? Is it just you who believe that all the means and the ways were gone? If you have long been unnoticed, then why do you still keep on making efforts? Is it just you who believe that everything is merely about how people appreciate every little thing you do? Is it just you who think that no one even secretly rejoices with you?

       If all your efforts to conquer your fears were nothing, then why do you still continue to face life? Is it just you who think that you are a coward? Is it just you who think you no longer have the capacity to move forward? Is it just you who think you have given up on everything? If life is unfair, then why do everybody seems to be imperfect? Is it just you who think that their criticisms define you as a person? Is it just you who think that their success or their gain is more of your loss? If everything you do is wrong, then why are there people who think you are important? Is it just you who think that you are more of a disgrace and less of a relevant soul? Is it just you who think that in the end, nothing will make perfect sense?

      You may lose everything you have. Your life and everything in it, your achievements, and even people who are dear to you but, will the absence still matter when you have cherished them right? Will the absence still matter when you have appreciated it while it still last? Will the absence still matter when the memories you have made are still kept, still cherished? Is it just you who think you are irrelevant, unappreciated or not loved?

       If not… then who are you? Are you that same spirit who loves the world in every aspect? Are you that same spirit who sees the light in every perspective? Are you that same spirit who is unafraid, indestructible?

         If not… then who are you? 

Untitled

You were alone. An outcast. You were incarcerated inside that façade for many years. You were scared of the unknown, afraid that you might stumble and fall and might not be able to get back on your feet. You were amidst nowhere, waiting for someone to reach out their hand and save you from drowning and giving in to your fears.

Now you are happy and later you are hurt. Now you are alone and then suddenly, someone comes along to keep you in company. Now you have a lot of fears and later those fears have already been conquered by you. Now no one seems to hear your voice and later someone comes along to recognize it, to understand your pain and rejoices, to listen to you until you are able to speak your mind out. Now you feel empty and then someone comes and make you feel that in this weary world, you are not alone, that out of those who does not seem to care, there is one different person, the one who is always behind you, the one who quietly rejoices with you, the one who has been silently cheering for you, the one who is always there even if you do not say so.

Now you are on the verge of predicament, of the confusion caused by the wall you have made between you and the world and then someone comes and sacrifices whatever they have, even the slightest light that remains from their heart just to make you feel that you are not unwanted, that like them, you also have that light in your heart waiting to be elicited, that like them, you are also capable of sharing that light which timidly emanates from your seemingly lost soul.

Your mind is not at ease, wandering in whatever corner of the world, thinking what the future may hold, imagining a lot of things yet forgetting to live the moment. You were physically there, feigning through moving and saying things you never meant as if you are living the moment but the truth is you are nothing but a living dead. You are in a journey, in quest of the “ideal” when truth to be told, there is nothing as such.

You were focused on being perfect without realizing that making mistakes is also the same thing that makes you a person, a person who is capable of love, of feeling the anguish and a lot more imperfections that are in the way.

You were there, quietly and patiently listening to the voice of the unheard, trying to blend with the crowd of people who are all striving to be different. You were there, listening to the tickling of the clock, to the humming of the birds, and even to the slightest blow of the wind that somehow gives you the comfort and the serenity you were longing for.

You are rushing things, thinking about maturity. Indeed you have grown up yet you forgot to truly live while reminiscing the times you have not even spent wisely. You are there, contemplating about life that you have forgotten to live in the first place.

You are vulnerable outside but paradoxically, you are strong. You are strong because although you have been bombarded with waves and even oceans of unknown fears and chaos, you are still there, standing still and then you realize that you were wrong for telling yourself that you will not make it because you are still there, breathing the air that you once forgot to appreciate while creating and filling in the missing pieces that you have neglected in the past.

Then one day you will just wake up and the exact things you have at the moment are all nothing but distant memories. One day you will wake up and the things that you were once afraid of are already been conquered by you. One day you will wake up and the future you were once imagining are already unfolded before your eyes. One day you will wake up and the things you thought impossible are already a few distance away. One day you will wake up and you will realize how blessed and strong you are for not giving up and for becoming the person you are.