Living your whole life like a puppet has never been easy. There
are times when you are so tired of hearing things such as:
“You should wear these types of clothes.”
“You should behave like this.”
“Be there when there are picture takings. Let people notice
you.”
“Follow what we are saying because this is for your future.”
“Is this the only grade you can get? How about the others?
Are their grades higher than yours? You should strive more.”
“Oh, you cannot do that? That is so simple. Even first
graders can do that. You are so lame.”
“You will never attain success if you continue that shyness
of yours.”
Hearing such things from people around you sometimes makes
you want to have a huge escape from the world you are living at the moment. Sometimes,
it takes millions of strength just to endure all the things people are saying
towards you and patience to follow or even shrug off what they say because of the fear that you
might hurt them so you just end up training yourself to be the person you are not, to follow
the path they set for you and to meet their expectations convincing yourself that it is indeed for the best even though deep
inside you are hurting.
This, I guess, are some of the perks of being a passive type
of person. Thinking what might not hurt other people can actually hurt you but
still, it is okay since you believe that you can endure the pain of knowing that
you cannot go after what you really want no matter how hard you try to gain their approval or just repress those things believing they will
just pass and one day, they will stop haunting you. You might get hurt but you will end up blaming
yourself because those were your choices, because it was your choice to
consider what other people feel before considering yours without thinking that
it is ‘your’ future and it is 'you' who will be greatly affected.
There were times you end up questioning if whose hand actually
wrote your life story or if it was the same hand that has written the story by those people whom you admire because of their strength to fight for their dreams.
Sometimes, you think that you are just too lame to be unable to take a stand, to fight
for what you really want and to speak your heart out but heck, all you can do is to refrain from saying what is on your mind and to follow what they want you to do. Some may say that you are weak, that you are that gullible or that you are a martyr or maybe just too nice to follow the ideals of other people which is not always right and again, you end up thinking about what other people know about you is just a shallow piece of truth because they don't get to wear the same shoes you are wearing and this is just to give yourself some sort of confidence.
You used to face the world with a smile but what they don't know is that it is only a facade. A facade in order to hide your pain and to play the role of being that tough or brave soul. Deep inside, you are insecure because you think that you are not good at everything and you even call yourself "miss no good" because you have no talents and thinking about that pains you the most. You try hard to be that funny and loud person to seek for acceptance. You changed yourself until you finally became the person you are not because all your life, you have been a puppet, the one being bullied, the weak one.
During your childhood, you used to stay at home always, playing alone with your kitchen set, dolls and other male and female stuff, imagining you have lots of playmates playing with you and you just simply enjoy doing that for that has never been a new scenario for you.
You easily cry when you are hurt and it doesn't matter even if you do it in public because in the eyes of other people, you are just simply a 'nobody' and that is okay with you since for years, you are already used to being unnoticed. Public places and gatherings tortures for you. Whenever you are tired of the deafening noise made by the crowd of people surrounding you, you go somewhere and hide yourself in order to find peace. Other people might think that you are weird for doing that but you don't care because in there, you find serenity and comfort.
What you like the most is the view of the verdant grasslands, the perfectly carved mountain ranges, the moments of vanilla sky, the view of the moon and the scintillating stars around it but you don't want to tell it to anyone you know because you think that people of your age will just consider it boring.
You suck at speaking and writing is your only way of saying what really is on your mind. You don't like to talk too much because whenever you do, you suck at it and you even consider it as your greatest insecurity. You hate talking but the people who are closest to you thinks that it is the other way around.
When you are angry, you keep silent or else you will burst. You like to sing but you just want that to be hidden unless the situation asks you to unleash whatever your so-called talent is since you don't have that much confidence with what you can do. You eat when you are hungry and sometimes you don't specially when you are not in the mood and there were times you kept on asking why people have to be hungry and your mother keeps on replying that being hungry is just a part of our life. At times, you easily allow other people to be generous because you realize that sometimes, you have to give other people the chance to be generous and that was what one of your teachers have said once.
One of your dreams is to travel around the world but until now, you still don't know how to start accomplishing your dream since you still don't have the means or the money to do that. You think that you are such a lost soul which makes you think that your dream would be impossible to reach despite the fact that you once believed that once you have dreamed something, the whole universe will conspire for you to realize it.
When someone hurts you, you start thinking of the possible cause, you try to put yourself on their shoe just so you will be able to view the world in their own perspective, to understand their pain, to learn what you have done wrong.
You think that you are a completely different person but as you grow older, you come to realize that every people is unique. That you don't always need to be accepted. That in order to truly live, you must learn to be who you are because life
isn’t merely about being outgoing, not about gaining friends that will love
you widely, and definitely not only about being “in” and sometimes, you need to
make a decision, to take a stand for yourself and for your dreams.
