The shrinking violet

Living your whole life like a puppet has never been easy. There are times when you are so tired of hearing things such as:

“You should wear these types of clothes.”

“You should behave like this.”

“Be there when there are picture takings. Let people notice you.”

“Follow what we are saying because this is for your future.”

“Is this the only grade you can get? How about the others? Are their grades higher than yours? You should strive more.”

“Oh, you cannot do that? That is so simple. Even first graders can do that. You are so lame.”

“You will never attain success if you continue that shyness of yours.”

Hearing such things from people around you sometimes makes you want to have a huge escape from the world you are living at the moment. Sometimes, it takes millions of strength just to endure all the things people are saying towards you and patience to follow or even shrug off what they say because of the fear that you might hurt them so you just end up training yourself to be the person you are not, to follow the path they set for you and to meet their expectations convincing yourself that it is indeed for the best even though deep inside you are hurting.

This, I guess, are some of the perks of being a passive type of person. Thinking what might not hurt other people can actually hurt you but still, it is okay since you believe that you can endure the pain of knowing that you cannot go after what you really want no matter how hard you try to gain their approval or just repress those things believing they will just pass and one day, they will stop haunting you. You might get hurt but you will end up blaming yourself because those were your choices, because it was your choice to consider what other people feel before considering yours without thinking that it is ‘your’ future and it is 'you' who will be greatly affected.

There were times you end up questioning if whose hand actually wrote your life story or if it was the same hand that has written the story by those people whom you admire because of their strength to fight for their dreams. Sometimes, you think that you are just too lame to be unable to take a stand, to fight for what you really want and to speak your heart out but heck, all you can do is to refrain from saying what is on your mind and to follow what they want you to do. Some may say that you are weak, that you are that gullible or that you are a martyr or maybe just too nice to follow the ideals of other people which is not always right and again, you end up thinking about what other people know about you is just a shallow piece of truth because they don't get to wear the same shoes you are wearing and this is just to give yourself some sort of confidence.

You used to face the world with a smile but what they don't know is that it is only a facade. A facade in order to hide your pain and to play the role of being that tough or brave soul. Deep inside, you are insecure because you think that you are not good at everything and you even call yourself "miss no good" because you have no talents and thinking about that pains you the most. You try hard to be that funny and loud person to seek for acceptance. You changed yourself until you finally became the person you are not because all your life, you have been a puppet, the one being bullied, the weak one.

During your childhood, you used to stay at home always, playing alone with your kitchen set, dolls and other male and female stuff, imagining you have lots of playmates playing with you and you just simply enjoy doing that for that has never been a new scenario for you.

You easily cry when you are hurt and it doesn't matter even if you do it in public because in the eyes of other people, you are just simply a 'nobody' and that is okay with you since for years, you are already used to being unnoticed. Public places and gatherings tortures for you. Whenever you are tired of the deafening noise made by the crowd of people surrounding you, you go somewhere and hide yourself in order to find peace. Other people might think that you are weird for doing that but you don't care because in there, you find serenity and comfort.

What you like the most is the view of the verdant grasslands, the perfectly carved mountain ranges, the moments of vanilla sky, the view of the moon and the scintillating stars around it but you don't want to tell it to anyone you know because you think that people of your age will just consider it boring.

You suck at speaking and writing is your only way of saying what really is on your mind. You don't like to talk too much because whenever you do, you suck at it and you even consider it as your greatest insecurity. You hate talking but the people who are closest to you thinks that it is the other way around.

When you are angry, you keep silent or else you will burst. You like to sing but you just want that to be hidden unless the situation asks you to unleash whatever your so-called talent is since you don't have that much confidence with what you can do. You eat when you are hungry and sometimes you don't specially when you are not in the mood and there were times you kept on asking why people have to be hungry and your mother keeps on replying that being hungry is just a part of our life. At times, you easily allow other people to be generous because you realize that sometimes, you have to give other people the chance to be generous and that was what one of your teachers have said once.

One of your dreams is to travel around the world but until now, you still don't know how to start accomplishing your dream since you still don't have the means or the money to do that. You think that you are such a lost soul which makes you think that your dream would be impossible to reach despite the fact that you once believed that once you have dreamed something, the whole universe will conspire for you to realize it.

When someone hurts you, you start thinking of the possible cause, you try to put yourself on their shoe just so you will be able to view the world in their own perspective, to understand their pain, to learn what you have done wrong.

You think that you are a completely different person but as you grow older, you come to realize that every people is unique. That you don't always need to be accepted. That in order to truly live, you must learn to be who you are because life isn’t merely about being outgoing, not about gaining friends that will love you widely, and definitely not only about being “in” and sometimes, you need to make a decision, to take a stand for yourself and for your dreams.

A friendship poem

Ours is a friendship tested by distance and time,

A friendship that no one in this world will be able to define

Together, we may no longer often share the same experience,

But still, I feel complacent by merely knowing your existence.

Ours is a friendship that seems like a roller-coaster ride,

There were ups and downs indeed; yet we still end up on each other’s side

There were times I may feel extremely sad or I may cry my heart out,

But you were never tired of wiping my tears and making me smile.

Ours is a friendship built not by any promises nor expectations,

But the one bonded purely even we have crossed separate paths and directions

Right now indeed, we hardly see each other,

But it’s still the countless memories we had together that I really treasure.

Ours is a friendship willing to understand and to listen,

The one that is as calm as the scintillating stars during the nights in heaven

We barely say or express what we truly feel,

But no words are needed for with you; even the slightest moment seems surreal.

Ours is a friendship willing to support and even to sacrifice,

But martyrdom is not the word and is not the thing in it will suffice

Just be reminded that whenever the odds conspire against you,

I’ll just be at your back knowing you’ll do the same thing for me too.


P.S. This one's for my "bespren". You know who you are ;)

There is a teacher in every great mother

She is the sun that guides me everyday,

the only person who embraced me all the way

She is the one who makes me laugh,

and having her is just more than enough.

She cheers me up when I am sad,

and makes me happy that is why I am glad

She is ... my mother,

my hero and my first teacher.

She served as a good parent,

and I am thankful that she is pure and lenient

She greatly deserves to be recognized,

for she neither quit nor mind her countless sacrifice.

She taught me some of life's greatest lessons,

and molded me as a person

She is a catalyst in shaping our society,

for it is one of her vows and duties.

She sacrificed her leisure,

to provide us a better future

And if there is one thing I idolize about her,

that is her passion as a mother and as a teacher.

She gave up a lot in her life,

continued believing until she survived

For helping is her joy and passion,

and I have nothing but sincere appreciation.

She gave everything,

but never did she ask for something

She is my mother, my mentor - a great catalyst of eternity,

for she is the one who helps in bringing out the best in me.

Appreciation

When I was a young child,

things were just way too mild

I just used to daydream,

of what the future may seem.

There were times I used to think,

will all these things vanish in just a blink?

I continue to ask myself,

is there still a piece of light that was left?

As I grow up I see the world full of wonder,

as its beauty continues to unveil down under

But like all other things, all these lies,

will one day kiss a bitter-sweet goodbye.

Steadfast

I am not certain if this is right,

but I just can't last a day without you by my side

Maybe I was just assuming,

that thing called 'love' is what I am feeling.

I can still remember that very instance,

when you first gave me your heart-melting glance

Your smile just suddenly sparkled in my eyes,

then my heart beat faster as I let myself fall into all these lies.

It is as if my world had stopped,

stopped like a clock that had never struck

For each word that you have said,

is like a gentle breeze that caressed me from toe to head.

And now I am sure that we belong together,

this very thing I will cherish forever

I will love you in every day, in every way

Hoping that we will remain constant until our dying day.

P.S. I am not the author of this poem. Someone originally made it, and I just did few editing (with the author's consent, of course) Just felt the urge to post it so I did (^_^)

Unrequited (just a dream)

It is just a dream that I am with you,

but why it seems so true?

Seeing your gentle face makes me shiver,

feeling your presence trembles me over and over.

I hope I am always with you,

but oh, having an 'us' is way too far from what is true

How I wish that every moment is spent with you,

maybe it is possible yet still seems untrue.

You are up there,

but I am down here in the middle of nowhere

Just looking up to you while feeling the gentle wind blow,

while the time seems to move so slow.

Looking at you as this pumping organ shouts 'I love you',

wishing one day you will feel the same way too

But I wake up from this dream just to find out everything is an illusion,

because not even once, I am in your vision.

Often I wish for you to notice my presence,

but oh, you seemed alright without knowing my existence

I still continue to hope for you to notice me,

but it is just in a dream that I'll hear you utter one four three.

YOU

I want to be the star you look up to,

the one that will only shine just for you

But what can I do if my sparkle has been hidden beneath the cloudy sky?

with the thought that after countless years I will just bid goodbye.

You are not even aware of my existence,

but I am contented by just feeling your presence

Your eyes, your glimpse are not even for me,

but I am contented as long as you are happy.

Our paths may never cross again one day,

but it will never change my thing about you, not even a single day.

For years, you may have not noticed me,

but it is fine, as long as I see you smile as it brightens me.

To appreciate you is what I often do,

Can't even control my heart as it yearns for you and only you

You may have not found your inspiration in me,

but it is alright as long as you are happy.

When your days are blue,

I will be there for you

To make you smile in every single day,

to wipe your tears and move your worries away.

Ours is a distance as wide as the heaven and earth,

and we may have not known each other since birth

And though you were too blind to see,

That you are admired from afar by someone like me.

I want to shout this feeling out loud and proud,

but the words just cease to come out

Maybe 'dumb' is what I really am,

just can't help but stammer when you are around.

I badly want your eyes to see me and only me,

but that is too selfish so I want you to be free

There were times I used to ask myself,

"Is this right or am I being too pathetic?"

But in the end, the answer just comes out and I will realize,

that there is no one else but you who really caught my eyes.

I am not certain if this is right,

but one thing is for sure and that is, I can't last a day without you at my sight.

Light throughout the darkness

Here comes another twilight,

again finding myself full of fright

The stars seemingly look down at me,

while asking what will I be.

The day is in its end,

sadly too short for me to spend

Seeing the stars scintillating, oh so bright

and the moon that looks so dashing with its mesmerizing light.

Where will I find the missing piece?

for this pain inside to ease

It feels like I against the world,

Have nothing to lean on nor no one to hold.

Amidst the night, so quiet and so dark,

Solely searching for the light and its spark

Seeking and longing for a new hope,

beyond the struggles for  me to cope.

Facing life's adversity,

Believing there is something more within me

Thinking of every single day as a new chapter,

while hoping that behind every tear there is always a laughter.

The burning hope

The colors that my life once had,

just went different and then I'm sad

The sun that once lighted my way,

in just a heartbeat, had easily gone away.

Facing tons of life's adversities,

Overcoming loads of seemingly endless difficulties

but challenges make me human,

and experiences make me be the best that I can.

Numerous uncertainties may arrive,

yet with hope, I can still survive

I may sometimes make the wrong choice,

but I believe, He'll always listen to my powerful voice.

Though that gentle sunshine was taken away from me,

there are still millions of reasons to be happy

To be genuinely alive is my greatest desire

Hoping the worlds will help me and they will conspire.

Countless struggles I may face,

but I must not quit to finish the race

And one day, all the hopes that I continuously feel,

will heal the pain so I can stand still.

Though the road seems uncertain or dark,

and my world seems falling apart

There is still a piece of hope; my indestructible armor,

and a prayer that can be my greatest savior.